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Love or bread?

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What do you bring to your child for breakfast, love or bread? The parole that is traditionally represented in our nation, that children should be loved but not shown so that they do not become spoiled, it seems to be speaking in support of bread. But, my grandmother knew to telling me to eat everything from the plate even without bread!

I have noticed many moms say that it is not difficult for them to feed their child, bathe them, make them sleep, but they find it difficult to play with them, spend time with them in buffoonery and doing others, to child, interesting things. It is not easy to keep track of the number of calories a child consumes, the amount of water child consumes every day, time spent outside,  the schedule of his daily activities, it is really exhausting and strenuous, but in this story, all of these noticed obligations, we call THE BREAD.

loveanbradWhat’s wrong with this BREAD?

The bread is necessary but not enough for a child The bread, apropos, physical and physiological needs are basic needs according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, they are basic and if they are not satisfied the child cannot continue to develop properly. It is easer to fulfill these obligations because they are physical, their effect is immediately visible and there are some guidelines, rules that show us the way to implement them and therefore know immediately what we are doing, whether it is good or bad for a child.

But just giving BREAD to child, which encourages obesity, neglect the child’s emotional needs and suffocate child emotional development. Emotional needs for love and praise from others, belong to the higher needs of the Maslow Pyramid and can only be supply when the physical and physiological needs are supply. In order to child can reach full potential, respectively reaches self-actualization, so emotional needs must be supply. What is the problem, here? Emotional needs is more difficult to supply. It is not just about hugging and cuddling a child, it’s also about recognizing when your baby needs comfort and hug, and that’s hard part.

How I got my baby as a very young mom to environs I seemed like brat who has to worry about a miracle called A BABY, and of course a bunch of uncles, aunts and grandmothers immediately formed there, with their very well-meaning and experienced advices. And what do you thing, what was the first I heard from them? “Don’t wear her all the time,  she will be habit on your hands”, “Don’t take her as soon as she stars to crying, you’ll smear her then you’ll wear her all the time”.

At the first, I listened to everything I was told, because who am I to defy women with experience. I believed that they were right to some extent, but I did not agree with extremism, I could hardly wait to get my baby and nurse her, and singing to her and pamper her. In fact, babies can communicate with us only through crying, until they develop speech, and even then they continue to cry to express dissatisfaction. Children were born with primary emotions, disgust, anger, happiness, fear, surprise and sadness, which are universal.

Therefore, children often feel but they don’t know what they feel and how to deal with it, and that’s why we are here to help them, but unfortunately we don’t. When babies cry that something doesn’t suit her, if mother didn’t answer on baby’s crying, the baby will certainly stop crying at some point, but if this scenario repeat often, in baby’s head will create a picture “I am not good and worthy enough for mom to come”, and after then, baby will crying less and waiting mom to come when she is prepared. On the advice of the Supreme Council of uncles and aunts and their old-fashioned model, any baby’s crying is considered as insolence expect if she is crying because she is hungry, she takes root, or she is sleepy, but if she’s crying because she needs mom, then she is insolence baby and that is not recognize as good.

To understand each other, optimal frustration for the baby is good, which would mean that she should be allowed to cry occasionally, to learn that not everything is honey and milk in life, apropos to learn to deal with stress. For example, If you are washing the dishes and baby starts crying, you don’t have to leave everything immediately and with soap hands frantically running toward the crying baby, she can wait you 5 minutes, she won’t stop crying but she won’t get too excited. But, it’s not right for your baby to be waiting for you as you was the dishes, iron the pad, vacuum the house and then get to her. Or to be guide by thought “ I just got her, what she wants now, she’ll stop crying on her own, there’s nothing wrong with her”.

Therefore, adopting a “avoidance” pattern is not good for the baby. It is very difficult to recognize, at first, why baby crying but over time it is learned through synchronization with her, is she hungry, thirsty or she is sleepy. However, when a baby is crying because she needs attention, we are somehow not in tune with her and do not know exactly what to do and often resort to pattern of “she is just naughty”. We equate the child’s emotional needs with insolence. No one taught us to recognize that it is a need, not a rash, and to recognize when a child needs attention and love, not just food, water and bathing. I believe that this is also a logical consequence of circumstances, because our grandparents did not have much time to deal with our emotions, so they had to justify it, at least through baby’s insolence. Therefore, we, as parents, do not know better and do not receive better advice that they did when they raised their children.

I noticed the same problem about older children, 2-3 years old. They are able to talk but they don’t know enough to, actually, say everything. Children at this age often cry, and for the most part we don’t know why they are crying, and it seems they don’t know too, but they are still crying for some reason, and they know they feel something that doesn’t suit them. They don’t know what’s happening to them and they don’t know how to say it. Hence the crying. And as per old good fashion, what an aunt would say “let them cry, you see, they are spoiled”, And as it goes on and on,. The child is not spoiled, it just needs some comfort and help to cope with what it is feeling but it doesn’t know what it is. Here again, we are talking about our skills to recognize when a child needs emotional support and when he or she uses emotional conditioning to manipulate us. And of course, we fall into the same trap again because no one has ever told us this before, no one has ever shown us how to do it and whether it should be, and then our children are reckless. And so we are going in circles.

This is where I came across a clash of opinions, no one explained anything to you, but everyone claims their theory is the best. On the one hand, there are a large number of old men and women claiming that children are insolence if they are crying “for no reason”, but you have just taken care of them, and on the other hand, there are experts who claim that children aren’t insolence but have emotional needs. Some tell you that you should absolutely neglect your children when they yell for no reason and others  say you should absolutely devote to them in those moments. And what now?

None of them have actually taught us the skills of recognizing children’s emotional needs, and they won’t and don’t need, it is enough that gave us guidance with explaining, the rest is our business. We have to recognize on our own what and when we should need to do and we’ll reach it when we connect with our children and listen to them and begin to appreciate them as a whole being who knows, feels and has needs.

The human cub is the most helpless cub of all mammals when it is born. It is helpless to meet any of its needs, which is why it needs us. But we are not only there to feed it, but to love it in a way that suits it, and we must recognize this in collusion with our child. It is easier to give the child bread, but it is not only important and not only important to love your child, but to show it that you do love it in the right way. Therefore, my grandmother’s BREAD story doesn’t drink water. Not satisfying the child’s emotional needs stifles its own and makes it feel bad and later makes worse social contacts. It also does not support proper development.

By showing and supporting emotions, we teach our children how to regulate, recognize, express emotions, or emotional intelligence. Yes, children sometimes cry because they want to manipulate us because they learned that we will jump always we hear them cry. We go from one extreme to another, or completely neglect crying or occupy ourselves with it, and in one way or the other suppress children’s proper development of emotions.

I wanted to say that no matter that nobody teaches us about children’s emotions, we should do it ourselves by connecting with our children and understanding that they are individuals who feel and do not know how to say it, and, by meeting their needs, we do them good and help them develop properly. Now, it is up to us how to learn to recognize when a child needs a hug, comfort and why it cries, and when it is okay for a child to cry a little longer, because too much emotional investment is a problem that can also quell their emotions. There is a balance to be found in everything. So, the point is to reconcile these two points of view. It is necessary to meet children’s emotional needs but in a timely manner and not go to extremes on the advice of experts, and suppress the child with your caring for its emotions. The truth is that children know how to be rude and emotionally manipulative, and it’s also true that they need to feel frustrated to learn to deal with it, and it is true that we are all humans and not machines and cannot answer on all their needs, simply is not our day every day, and it is fine as long as it is optimal. On the other hand, children should not be left crying all the time because we don’t know the reason why they do it, so we attribute to the insolent, we need to look back at their emotions and learn to deal with it. When you reconcile these two points of view and equally and rationally practice the development of the children, without denying the fact that we are only humans and that we cannot do everything, it will be easier for you with the children. But, in this game you are alone, ladies and gentlemen!

 

  • In this text, I have talked more about how we should devote children’s emotions because the view is that we should not do it more widely in our culture. In the next, I will focus more on parental over emotional engagement for a child that is more prevalent in the western culture. Remember the key word is balance!
Worm in an apple

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