Yes, I am primarily a mom, and I am very proud of that. I read a lot of statements from women who want to point out that they are primarily economists, doctors, CFOs, fashion designers, wives, and finally moms. It is clear to everyone that there is a need to give up the traditional role of women as mothers and housewives to show that the women in today’s world achieved much more, not to say that they were won in the battle for equality. However, I get the impression that such points of view lead to rivalry and polarity. On the one side, there are the women who persistently want to point out that they are “moms” and how they fulfilled the most sacred goal in life, and on the other hand, there are ladies who want to point out their social and professional role and show how they have achieved “higher” goals. I can say that both are right but both are just extremes of the same dimension, which lead to conflicts.
Women who are “just moms” can feel shame and low level of confidence looking at the „career women“, because “ they failed to achieved anything else except to give birth to „children”, resulting in a greater need to emphasizes their important role as a “mother” and feel that they themselves are important and satisfy their inferior need for superiority. This view, again, embarrasses women who are the “careerist”, because “they should be ashamed“, „not everything is in their career“, „it can be afterwards“, „children are important“, „what kind of women love work more than having children“. On the other side, there are business women who persistently want to prove that they are not traditional prototype of a woman, which consequence in the embarrassment of women who are “just” moms or housewives. The impression is that they want to prove that they are much more then that and that they succeeded in accomplishing their mission and came out of the mode, satisfied their grandiose self and achieved superiority. And then, this is how a vicious circle of struggle begins!
If you are a “mom” woman, it is the most important and if you have a career you can’t be a mom. If you are a woman of career, then it is stupid to be “just” mom, it is important to be careerist first and then a mom.
What all these women have in common? Firstly, they are all women, and secondly, they all use defense mechanisms to cover up their inferiority. In the first case, the defense mechanism is RATIONALISATIONS, known as “a sweet lemon and sour grapes”, which would mean that what we do not have or cannot achieve, and cannot accept is a disadvantage, and we tend to devalues it, but what we have becomes much more valuable and significant than it would be in a usual situation. We find logical but not real reasons for failure. Nobody says, that in this case “lemon children” are not important, but they become a major occupation for moms if they fail to achieve some of their personal goals, which finally becomes a complex, and the main excuse for failure is childcare, which has greater consequences then welfare. On the other side of the story lies the mechanism of defense, known as the OVERCOMPENSATION. According to Adler’s theory, every being, from the state of inferiority, given to him at birth, tends to develop and move into a state of superiority. Feelings of inferiority and superiority are the drivers of human, however, if they become occupation in life, they become complexes. As Adler explains, if the feelings of inferiority is strong in an area in which it occurs, a mechanism of defense called compensation, which allows a person to invest energy in some other aspects in which they are good and develop them in order to neglect the feeling of inferiority and preserve self-esteem. But, a mechanism of defense OVERCOMPENSATION is “a higher level” of compensation, the feeling of inferiority, in this case, is so strong that it is not enough for a person to be good in some other area, but to be superior in it. So, managers, what is it that bothers you?
We notice that both extremes have the same basis, the feelings of inferiority, explained through two different theories. Therefore, regardless of the result being a different basis is the same, which is sufficient to reconcile the two opposite sides.
I’m a mom, then a psychologist, then a wife, a housewife, a cooker, a repairman, a driver, a cleaning lady, a scullion, a toilet cleaner! Hence, A LADY, I am sure you understand :D.
The personal view is that a women can do anything only if she finds a balance in it. We can have both, career and children, but, overemphasizing one role or another only shows in which area we have developed the inferiority. All of these roles that I have listed are part of me, but my mother’s role is the most comfortable for me RIGHT NOW, and because I feel nice in it I stand out that role a little bit more then other roles, but I am also a great cleaner of a toilet!
Hence, the common goal of these two extremes I wrote about is the establishment of homeostasis, the balance, with yourself and then with your goals and activities. Homeostasis is needed throughout our body as well as our entire being in order for us to be productive and healthy, as well as our environment, and from that state it is possible to be a mom and a manager, equally successfully in both areas, happy and content. Achieving homeostasis is a personal path and it is individual, but it is important to recognize the need for it. Recognition is half way to a change, and the other half can be with help of psychotherapy, yoga, physical exercises, massage, meditation and many others techniques, or by combining them all together. Work on it and your wounds and complexes will pass.
Therefore, it is nice to emphases the role that is most comfortable for you at this or that moment, but if it aims to overemphasize your abilities by diminishing others successes and qualities then this is your weak point not a quality. Such an attitude only creates a gap, genders, scales for who is a good woman, mother, wife.
We are all great at what we are and what we do if we are comfortable with it.